i realise now how much i miss this place and the people here. sure, i've never been patriotic and i didn't particularly like this country, but faced with the shit in london and the very different environment (often in a bad way), i realise how much i *gulps* love this country. Yes, that wasn't easy to say. All the time i've been fussing about the heat, the extremely competitive environment particularly in terms of academics , how the people in this country are sometimes so unfriendly...
But nothing beats home. Where else can i find halal food 24/7 ; text friends who reply and actually help me with my problems instead of fill me in with their life stories and bore me to death ;be with my family; go out of the house in short-sleeved clothes (there in london i cover up for two reasons -it's cold, and i stay in an Imam's house so i have to dress decently. I don't think short-sleeved shirts are indecent, but you get my drift).
And for the past few days i've been thinking about what someone told me in london.
I think it was last tuesday. I was having lunch with my friend praj and this reallyyyy nice pakistani-french guy called faisal. We bought some halal food and ate in the park, where we sat on the grass. (The british people are practically over the moon when the sun comes out. But i'm like -__- cos i went to london to escape the heat of singapore, lol. So whenever the sun comes out, people sit on the grass in the park.)
Anyway, the three of us were eating, when suddenly faisal said:
"You know sometimes, when i look at victoria (station) , i still can't believe i'm in london. Sometimes i wonder why i left france, when life was perfect."
Then i replied telling him that i felt exactly the same way. (Apparently he left france for two reasons - education and '40% because of a girl' LOL.)
Lots of things have made me ask myself if going to london was a mistake in the first place.
Firstly, let's talk logically and push emotions aside for a while. The main reason i came to london was for education. Apparently, it's easier than singapore's education.
But then i realised, singapore's education actually saved my life. I'm not boasting but i think i'm one of the better students, as compared to say, the British students. Not because of how 'bright' i am, but because of singapore's education. It's how advanced the education was that helps me now. I find that i know many things because i've done them before. I took the 'O' Levels, while the British students took GCSE (General Certificate of Secondary Education), and apparently the O's are much more difficult.
And i also like how the teachers in secondary school practically drilled information into your head. That helps me a lot now.
Sure, the competitiveness in this country is good enough to drive you nuts, but i think i have realised one thing about life in general - adverse conditions make you a better person. What doesn't kill, makes you stronger. And it applies for everything, if not most things, education included.
The second reason is stupid but inevitable - emotions. It mainly revolves around that idiot, and also the unfriendly people in my school, and how a close friend turns out to be someone i don't really like. It's stupid and it's not supposed to matter.But it does. I constantly hear my parents telling me that they sent me there for education and not for the 'people'. But it affects me a lot. And i bet if you were there it will affect you too.
I don't know what you guys think of me now, whether i've changed for the better or worse, but i'm sure of one thing - I'm very much more subdued.
I mean, i obviously can't laugh the way i do in london, people will look at me weirdly (and praj'll be like "*wtf-ed look* GROW UP!"). But my college is tiny, and i'm not being a high-class princess or something but i hate tiny places. I'm claustrophobic. Tiny places - particularly a college - means a large group of people in the same space. i can't take that. I need my own space.
Which is why i find myself always hanging out in the reception area, where, most of the time it's quiet and calm. I don't socialise. So that means it's as though i'm hiding in my own shell, refusing to come out.
That means i can't blame the people there, i don't really talk much to them, but when i get to know them i do say 'hi' and 'bye'. And the acquaintance ends there.
I don't really care about socialising, i just wish i had a close friend whom i can rely on. I do, but i have another problem - praj'll think she's 'stealing' me away from her. And i know i'm a hypocrite by announcing this on my blog : I don't really like her. She's nice sometimes but she can be really mean and conceited. And i am not a saint, nor am i completely not guilty of this, but i just don't do conceited. Friendship, to me, is a two-way thing. You tell me your stories, i tell you mine. You tell me your problems and i help you, and vice versa.We're helping each other. My friendship with her isn't like that - it's all one-sided.
The other aspect of my emotions is of course, leaving my family and friends behind in singapore. People whom i know for sure love me and accept me the way i am. People i don't feel awkward with. People i care about. People who give me support.
The third and perhaps the most important reason why i sort of regret going to London is because of religious reasons. Sure, i try to pray five times a day, i fast, etc, but i'm really far from being a truly religious person. However that doesn't mean i like to go astray. These 'muslims' in london, they scare me, to be honest. They do everything God said not to. And one of the best examples is kutu.
There's so many unislamic things happening in london. I can safely say i feel my faith eroding, a thousand doubts about God which i'm not supposed to think in my head. It's my responsibility to be a practicing Muslim, and i still try my best, but i'm getting... weaker. If you know what i mean.
This is why i'm glad i wasn't born in London. I don't blame the Muslims there,actually. Faced with that kind of wild people, you can't help but get influenced. Sure, people in london have a fancy accent, and the weather there is loads better than singapore, but the most important thing to me is religion. Which is why i'm happy to be born here. At least most, if not many, muslims in singapore are practising.
So, with all these thoughts, feelings, doubts and insecurities that i have about London, i do many times wonder if it was the right thing to do going there for education.
But as much as it sucks now, it's fate. And you can't do anything about what God fated you to have.
That, however, is the only reasoning i contend myself with.
go back to buried wreckage. i'm ditching this blog for now.
inside out at 8:35 PM
Monday, December 29, 2008
I am seriously supposed to be packing
Why aren't you online.
Anyway, i think i'm going to use buried wreckage again. I've come to realise that the whole Bill thing was just a massive crush, but it has really been toned down now because of something else. Like Gerard way, i had a crush on him but soon it just became respect. I just like these debonair and stylish (and sometimes feminine) guys, but not LOVE them. (:
Have you ever felt like you wanted to meet someone so badly for the last time before you leave to another part of this world for a very long time?
):
inside out at 9:08 PM
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Sweet nostalgia but not really
Yesterday my squadmates and I had our P.O.P (Pass Out Parade). It was organised by the juniors, and after some walking around at Parkway with tifa, who had to leave later on but came back to eat ice cream (hahah), we finally went to east coast park. (And they didn't get to see S.)
It was fun. :)
Not.
I'm sorry. I don't want to come across as unappreciative whiny bitch condescending senior. But i can't lie that i'm not disappointed, because i really, really am.
I'm not going to go into specifics about why it was disappointing, but overall, it was as though we weren't respected, acknowledged for our efforts, or even interacted with. Some people just stood and the corner and were stoning.
And i'm quite sad for Aishah cos she told me she stayed up all night writing notes to her squad individually, when the letter they gave her was on the souvenir itself and was extremely brief.
Many people didn't even turn up.
And if my juniors are reading this, i bet they'll say, "What a bitch, at least we HAD pop for them."
Well my reply to that will be yes i know, thank you. But it seemed forced and not something that was sincere.
I'm not the self-glorifying type but i dare say our pop for our seniors was significantly better.And i'm not expecting a hotel standard or something, i just want to see the whole-heartedness and sincerity of it all. Is that so hard? And, more importantly, is that how much respect we deserve?
On the flipside, though, we DID have a game, though only one. It was twister! And i participated.
Quote of the day: "I look like i'm masturbating" - Natasya, while playing Twister and had her hands between her legs to reach a circle
xD
and they gave me a card before i went to london!! awwww. thanks guys :D though the cat was let out of the bag because i walked over to get myself some sausages then natasya yelled something like "AISHAH! AISHAH!" just because aishah was beside me and bent down writing something. then i saw my squad picture.
but hahaha it was really sweet of you guys, thanks.
After that it was already around 5pm so we walked back to parkway. Sweating is horrible. And the only reason why i was sweating exceptionally more was because i layered my already-hot NCO tee with a white long-sleeved shirt. I don't want sunburns. But the thing was, we were sitting under a tree at ecp.
And i also wore my sneakers cos i didn't want to get my toes all muddy again like the other time we went to ecp, but the thing was, we were standing on sand in ecp.
-_-
Talk about wasted effort. pfff.
Oh yeah, on my way to pp from ecp, i called my house because my IELTS exam(the english exam) results were due either two days ago or yesterday. I got the mail yesterday and my grandmother read it out to me. I'm not bragging but i think i'm quite proud of myself :) My brother scored higher but that was because he was trained there in london, i taught it all myself with this guide book.
Well good, now i don't have to take english in my college. Haha. it's a waste of money and time.
Anyway, as i was saying. So we were highly indecisive, and the weather made us succumb to bubbletea. i don't think they would call it succumb, but it was definitely succumb for me because i already ate ice cream with tifa and the rest in pp! ._.
Eventually we decided to go to the airport to eat at popeyes'. another looong journey. but my bus ride was filled with me discussing make-up with chia li. man, she's a knowledgable one!
at the airport, i remember telling fifah she was hot and i really meant it, then she immediately hugged me XD fifah, i was sweating a lot you know. hahaha.
then in the sky train on the way to terminal one, asyikin, aishah and i discussed frozen blood in winter. ehem. knowing aishah, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what we were talking about. it was highly amusing though.
i really had no more appetite so i shared my meal with aishah at popeyes'. aishah, fifah, syikin and i talked because we were sitting near each other. i was telling them about someone when asyikin said it would be funny if a guy asked you for your home address.
"then in the end he send you kad raye."
i nearly choked on my chicken laughing.
then fifah told me a similar incident with her, except it's the phone number instead.
fifah : *immitates the way the guy asked for her number, a very flirty way*
aishah: omg. if a guy did that to me, i'll be like *o.o face* "HUH?"
lmfao aishah. selambe pleasee.
then aishah, being aishah, said a couple more things that made fifah and i laugh. like how she wore her sister's fake lashes once and looked like a bapok. hahahaha whuuuuttt. don't crap man.
ida was telling yijun about her CI experience. haha sorry ida i didn't really hear cos you were sitting quite far from me. but i heard yi jun going all "oh my god i should have joined!". Looool.
and fathima, i think you're cool. you are quiet and don't really talk much until people talk to you, but the thing is, you observe. your message to me last night was quite shocking because i didn't think you heard what i said about someone
when we were done, i had to leave already (goddamned curfews.) while the rest wanted to chill. so i hugged them all and made my way to the airport mrt myself OMG I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET LOST
-_- i am a beeeeembo. when it comes to directions.
oh by the way, i'd like to thank ida for teaching me how to be cool about giving my letter to someone. very nice of you. i need to learn how to be cool, because i'm still slenge no matter how hard i try.
):
on the way home on the mrt was sad. i just had an awesome outing with my squadmates but the sadness came when i thought about this being the last time or one of the last times we're going out as a squad together.
i just hope people don't forget me.
):
and of course, i felt sad because the next day, which is today, is probably the last time in a long time that i'm going to see someone again. i'm just glad i didn't leave any stone unturned and seized all opportunity. but i do wonder if it's a mistake. oh well! thank God for the internet. :)
somehow i can relate to that song.i love that song but why is there a sort of sex scene in it o_o then i went home and checked something on the computer which made me happy. (:
"bust in the door and take me away, no more mistakes, cos in your eyes i'd like to stay" - thinking of you, katy perry.
inside out at 9:18 PM
Friday, December 26, 2008
By the way guys, i read your tags! I tried tagging back but cbox doesn't work for nuts on mozilla firefox -_- So i shall use the other computer with internet later.
inside out at 8:23 AM
Might as well bury me alive
I don't mean to be an open book, but i think i have a crush on someone. Let's just call him S.
My mother signed up for two sessions with a personal trainer, because if you sign up with a personal trainer you can go into the gym for free every day rather than have to pay about $40 daily, which is ridiculous. Let my p.t be called, W.
On Wednesday, i had my first p.t session. I was really nervous, because my p.t is a man and i am a slenge. -_-
So I went into the gym and saw both S at the counter and a friend my mother and i made at the gym recently, whom i shall just call M.
M: Eh, hello Nadiah!
Me: Hello!
M: What are you doing here?
Me: Oh, i have p.t.
M: With who?
S, hearing the conversation, answers for me. : W.
Me: Haha yeah. I'm really scared because this is my first time.
M: Don't worry, he is the p.t for my son and he's very good! *talks a lot about W*
Suddenly...
S: Nadiah, i know you think W is hot right. Don't worry just tell me. I won't tell your mother.
Me: *Stunned* Uh... No.
S: It's okay just tell me! I won't tell your mother, seriously.
Me: No, no. I really don't.
M: Eh, actually you(referring to S) have a nice body yourself! Slim, tall...
Me: *relieved someone else agrees with me* Yeah he does!
S: No la where got. C'mon Nadiah just tell me he's hot. He has a nice body.
Me: *First person who comes to mind is non other than Bill Kaulitz* Uh no, i kind of prefer skinny guys.
S: Really? Okay tell you what. You have a good look at him first and then later tell me if he's hot.
Me: I don't la! But okay.
*I go off for an hour to have my session, and later come back to the counter*
S: So? You haven't answered my question.
Me: Well he (W) is alright, kind of short though. I prefer skinny guys.
S: Skinny guys?
Me: Yeah. *Thinks about what M and i conversed about, and tries to hint to S* And tall ^_^
S: Oh skinny and tall. Well if i were a girl I would have a crush on W. (HAHAHAHAHAHA.)
Me: *Amused*
S: I'll try and find someone for you.
But you're right in front of me.
*S and I talk about something related to music, and i pointed out that 'Oh you know the lead singer of Tokio Hotel? This German band? That, is hot.' But i don't think he heard me. -_- Then the phone rang and he picked it up and i thought it would be a short phone call but it wasn't so i waved goodbye and left.*
The next day was yesterday, a Thursday, and i had my second and last session with W.
In the morning yesterday, i called Shah up to tell her about my departure on the first of January and the time and venue of it. Then i told her about S.
Me: Shahiylia, should i just say this to him - 'You know about what you said yesterday about W being hot? Well i think you're hotter.'
Shah: Yeah yeah!! Say that!
Me: Aiya but quite flirty la. But nevermind, in life you have to take risks right?
*Shah and I burst out laughing, and i told myself i wasn't going to let myself down and just tell him that even though it is shameless.*
When i came to the gym, i was slightly sad and also slightly relieved that S wasn't at the counter. I went in, met W and started my session.
We were seated inside this room where i usually have my classes. This room is separated from the outside by glass, so you can see everything from inside. I remember distinctly W asking me to get some dumbbells in the opposite corner of the room. Then i turned my head to the glass and i thought i saw S walking to the male toilet, looking at me and giving that i-know-you-think-W-is-hot smile. I could still make him out even though i wasn't wearing specs.
Oh crap, i thought, he's here.
I think my personal trainer must think i'm quite mad. Sometimes I smile to myself. But in this case it was for a reason.
The exercise machines we used were outside the male toilet. So half the time i was looking in that direction, hoping to see someone come out.
And i did. -_-
He was at the gym to work out himself. Near me. Which was embarrassing. I was really conscious of his presence, and i hoped he wasn't looking at me, particularly when i was doing this embarrassing exercise which i couldn't do on my own so my p.t had to help me out. In this embarrassing way.
While my p.t was explaining to me things and teaching me new exercises i could do alone overseas, the only thing i could think of was S, and that he remain as far away from me as possible so that he could not see my slengeness.
Finally, after a briefing i had with my personal trainer about diet (By the way, my personal trainer lost 35kg in 6 months, because he worked out like hell and only lived on sweet potato and fish. Which i find both masochistic and fascinating. o_o), i took a bath.
After that, i walked to the counter and half-hoped S was there but also half-hoped he wasn't.
I looked at this mirror which reflects the counter. He was there.
Me: Hello...
S: Hi!
*We talked about something but i forgot what it was*
Me: *looks down and thinks about my telephone conversation with shah* Uh, S, can i tell you something?
S: Sure. What?
Me: No, nevermind actually. I probably shouldn't.
S: What? Just tell me.
Me: No la. Malu.
S: What, you think i'm cute?
Me: *Acts shock and blinks eyes, although i can feel myself blushing* Huh? What? How did you jump to that assumption?
S: What assumption?
Me: That i think you're cute.
S: No la i was just joking. So what is it?
Me: Uh... Okay. You know yesterday when you said W is hot?
S: Yes?
Me: Well i think you're...
Just say it.
Me: Better. *is annoyed with myself for not having the ballz to say what i actually wanted to say*
S: Huh? No la. I want to have a body like Nick Lachey.
Me: Really? I think you're just fine.
S: How old are you?
Me: 16... I just turned 16 this month.
S: Oh yeah.How old do you think i am?
Me: Twenty... Something.
S: 22.
Me: Oh? Jo (this other person at the counter) told me you're 25.
S: Nonsense ah he, i'm 22. I just finished NS. I'm still schooling.
Me: Ooo. Where?
S: SIM
Me: What does that stand for?
S: *Tells me what it stands for but i forgot -_- *
*Then the conversation just went on and on from there, and he told me that this Sunday was his last day working here because he was going to be a teacher for autistic kids.... Aww. *
Me: Huh really? Your last day here? I'm going soon too actually. Next week.
S: Yeah. Why don't we keep contact? Email? Msn? *He passes me a piece of paper where i could write my email.I could feel my cheeks heating up by then. Hopefully he didn't see -_-"*
Me: Here you go.
S: Okay. Will you be here on Sunday?
Me: I think so. Why?
S: Yay. Then i can see you. *I smile to myself*
Me: Okay, see you. Bye!
S: Bye!
I was smiling as i made my way from the gym to the bottom floor to buy some sashimi. Which is why i said, i don't think i'm that much different from AZ.
Was that counted as flirting or being nice? Because if it was flirting, then i swear to God - it was freaking. Fun.
I'm not sleazy though! I'm anything but sleazy. I'm not boasting, but i can't make it there. I'm still the same lost sheep person (-_- at aishah for coining the term) you know!
Alright i better get going, i'm going to meet a friend (NOT S) soon.
-_-
inside out at 8:13 AM
Sunday, December 21, 2008
What's left
So, i haven't been blogging much. Not that i don't want to, it's just that there's nothing much to blog about, life has been going on in its same monotonous pace, and i've been busy doing the things i told myself i would do when the O'levels ended.
It just shocks me deeply that i have barely two weeks left before i'm going to be in another part of the world - which might as well be called another WORLD, due to the many differences between that place and this country.
And there's so little time to spend with the people that matter to me most, namely my family and friends. Yes, family. Referring to the post below, i had a fall out with my mother because she kept critisizing something which i like. So what she said might be true, but the way she said it... It's enough to make you explode. (Explode as in, anger explode.)
I still don't want kids, by the way.Lol. I have come up with a theory - no offense to anyone - that the less people in your life, the better. Of course i don't mean my family and friends, the most important people in my life who give me support, or help me when i'm down. I mean, like kids. Because as long as you have a spouse i think you'll feel as though you have enough company?
I mean i don't know, i don't mean to sound like some jaded person who's seen all the troubles in this world. I do have troubles, yes, but compared to some other people they are neglegible and insignificant.
But i'm allergic to disappointment. I feel this particular pang of pain somewhere deep down when i see someone who's disappointed in me. The pain of inadequacy.
So, partially based on that post below, and partially due to the several episodes where people have been disappointed in me, i do not want to have children. I don't want to be a mother who's not good enough, and i don't want to have children who i feel don't give me what i deserve. In short, i just want to be surrounded by the people i need in life, not the ones i want. But maybe my wants and needs will change in the future, just as anything else.
Right, so all that babbling on children above just made me remember a couple of things - there have been really good news for the past few days, thanks to God.
1) I've officially received my UK visa, which means it's confirmed that i'm going to study overseas. Now i'm just worried about how much i will get for my O levels,because even though i won't be in Singapore to collect it, i still want to have a decent score. -.-
2) I LOST FOUR KG IN TOTAL! WOOOOHOOOHOOOHOOOHOOO. Although, i still have (x-4)kg to go, and x ain't a small amount. (I do hope people realise that weight loss isn't only about how it looks, it's also about health and fitness. I am born in a family where cancer, diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure etc are very, very common. So to not be the next one, i'll have to change my lifestyle to a healthy one.)
I still haven't accomplised the most important thing in my life - to be a better Muslim. I planned to do a lot of things in this area but i have not. I'm still planning... And hopefully i do the things i planned soon...
-_- indecisive and procrastinating. The usual. I listened to this religious talk by an Imam or something, i forgot, not too long ago, and he said that life is like a you, a traveller, resting under a tree while you are in a desert - never get too comfortable in it because you'll have to move on. Something along those lines. I'm trying to remember that life is not permanent and that i'm going to be held accountable for everything i've done in life, but it just slips off my memory sometimes...
And I honestly hope studying won't be so painful in college. I actually like studying and learning new things, just not for exams. I abhor exams.
But yeah. I feel like a traveller now. I'll just pick up these mistakes i've made and the people i've hurt and move on, hopefully not making the same mistakes again.
inside out at 11:48 PM
I like/want to meet/want to date/am very interested in anyone who is/like/very similar to this:
